Control
by her name is erika
Summary: "It's okay to lose control." / Or, in which she's trapped in a place of blood and snow. Victoria-centric, with some Victoria/Bily. For Alli. [AU]


**Control  
** **Show:** Young and the Restless  
 **Central character:** Victoria Newman, Billy Abbott  
 **Summary:** "It's okay to lose control." / Or, in which she's trapped in a place of blood and snow. Victoria-centric, with some Victoria/Bily. For Alli. [AU]  
 **Notes:** This is all imagination. All of it. Inspired by one of the aesthetics I made on twitter. This is so far from reality that it's almost an island in my mind, because it's freer for me. Anyway, I hope this is as fun to read it than it was more me to write it. Forgive any typos.  
 **Disclaimer:** I'm not doing this for any profit whatsoever, just for entertainment purposes. The title is from a Halsey song, "Control" from the album, Badlands. The summary is from the same song and album.

* * *

Her fur blends into the snow with the same degree of whiteness. There's an elegance in the way she moves as she weaves between trees and jumped over logs. The moon is round, bright and hits her fur, turning white into the illusion of silver. Mother Nature's slight of hand. A bitterly cold air blows from the west toward home. The wolf stops mid-step as the word unravels. She twitches an ear to focus her hearing and electric blue eyes have sharp, vivid sight. Home. _I have to go home. I have to go home. Home. Home. Home. Let me go home. Help me._ Human thought tries to crack through the wall of pure animal instinct.

It's cold, but she doesn't feel it. Her paws stay under beneath the softness, as if her claws scratch fragments of a cloud. There's an urge stirring and scratching in her stomach and screaming in her head. A stick cracks under distant feet. Someone's here. Raising her snout in the air, she sniffs it catching a scent. There's one stronger the rest. It's sharp and coppery with a flowery undertone. The wolf takes careful steps as red interrupts the colour of the snow. It's a trail so she follows it until she sees a figure.

A girl with blond hair curses, walks through the woods and holds her hand as it bleeds from a cut. It's wrapped in a cloth, stained red. She inhales sharply and had earphones in one ear.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine. It's just a cut, Reed. I was stupid and caught my hand on a sharp rock. Doesn't hurt too bad," she laughs, "and I'll be home faster if I cut through the woods. Aw, you're sweet but it's okay. You didn't have to drive me. You had a great night at the Underground. I'd love to hear your new song tomorrow if that's cool…" she trails off and stops, turning around slowly.

The girl slowly puts her phone in her picket and gasps. Her green eyes go wide and she starts to shake. With every shaky stop she takes backward, the wolf growls slowly and takes slow steps towards her. _Zoey. Witch meme. The girl Reed loves. The girl Reed –_

The wolf growls, baring its teeth and catches the scent of blood. It's stronger now. She's scared. Fear radiates from her. _You should fear me._ Its claws scratch lines against the dots of crimson in the snow. A howl sharper, and louder than hers cracks the night but her blue eyes are focused on her target. Finally, the gasps in the girl's throat causes a scream to bubble over and erupt. Like a dog whistle, it agitates her. Blue eyes focus on her throat. Baring her teeth again and let her sharp claws free, the wolf jumps off her back paws smoothly and begins.

There are screams, growls, skin being torn by teeth with wet blood underneath claws. The girl fights, struggles and continues to scream with the hope that some good Samaritan will be attracted and come to her aid.

"Someone… help me! Someone… please!"

 _One more blow and she'll be dead._

White fur is stained with dark red as her teeth glisten and is sunk deeply into Zoey's throat.

There's gurgling and choking woven in between her screaming until she can't.

The wolf watches her victim fall to the ground, blonde hair not so golden bright anymore. She turns east, gazing into what makes her this way and triggers her predatory nature. Throwing her head back, she finally howls. There could be screaming. They could come her from her and be ripped from her throat. But afterwards, there's only silence and new snow.

::

Her dark hair is wild, snowflakes like stars in it.

She's pale and covered with a white blanket in the bitter Genoa City cold, but it's like sun that beats down warm against her skin. Blue eyes slowly open with the vision is blurry. There's white around her, red splotched in it. Her body is tight and her muscles feel stretched until they are sore, making her cry out in pain. Pulling air down her windpipe into her lungs, she grunts lightly with effort and gets herself up against the tree trunk.

She closes her eyes and when they're open, she slowly raises her hands to her face.

Breathing becomes rapid and laden with effort and her lungs constrict. There's red, red everywhere. Blood in the snow. Blood on her skin. Blood on her palms, on her fingers and caked under her nails. Her manicure is a ghost of a priority and her hands start to shake before her body does.

"Oh, God," she breathes and her eyes flit around her looking for an exit. Any exit. "Oh, God."

Before she pulls herself up to run away, blue eyes catch the sight of dark shoes in the snow and the flowing end of a black trench coat. A deep male voice greets softly as he crouches down with a smile to meet her eyes.

"Morning, beautiful."

"Billy…" Victoria says, gazing at him. There are some things clear to her, and other places that are blurry around the edges. "I don't… I hurt someone. I didn't…"

He takes her wrists gently and presses a kiss to her bloody palm, slowly. Deep brown eyes slowly turn to a dark red, triggering a chill down Victoria's spine. Panic loosens its grip on her just a little bit and his eyes revert to their normal colour. Brown and almost matching the colour of rum. There's a glint in them that tells her, he's up to something.

"It's okay. Let's go home."

"No," she refuses, sharply. "I wake up in the forest after a full moon with bloody palms. It's _everywhere._ Who's blood is it? I remember walking around after I shifted. I…remember how the trees smelled and the wind against me. Then I remember…" Victoria trails off, rubbing her head to loosen whatever memory refuses to reveal itself. "Damnit! Billy, what happened? Why is there blood on me? Did I…hurt somebody?"

"Yes," he answers, and moves his gaze around her to the blood. He sighs. "You kinda went nuts and may have hurt somebody."

"Who?"

There's a squeeze on her stomach.

"Tell me!" Victoria yells, with misted vision and Billy wipes a tear away. "Whose blood is it?"

Billy looks at her at again. This time, he looks her straight in the eye, looking at her and the wolf that resides in her. She curled up, her body low and laying as her head rests on her paws, Victoria can feel that. He strokes her hair as he pulls the blanket close to her body.

"It's Zoey, Vick. I mean, I know you didn't like her very much but I didn't know you had that type of rage toward her."

"I did? I don't…" she trails off, mid-sentence as her head seems to re-organize her sequences of memory. It makes things clear and as sharp as her vision in the dark. She remembers the simmering rage bubbling underneath her skin for a whole host of reasons that don't have much to do with Zoey. She remembers being so angry at times, she hides it between a smile while her claws cut through her palms. She finally remembers when that anger explodes, sending her into a frenzy of fangs, claws and literally seeing red. "I hurt her. I remember. I hurt her," she sobs. "She was…choking. I... She was choking on her blood… Is she… Where is she?"

Billy grabs her by the shoulders and rests a hand on her cheek, kisses her forehead.

"Hey…hey…" he says, softly. "Victoria, breathe. Just breathe. I swear, you didn't kill her. You didn't."

"How do you know I didn't hurt her? Don't lie to me!" she nearly growls.

"Victoria, listen," Billy replies, evenly, holding her face to force her to look into his eyes. "Look at me. If you look at me and I'm lying to you and you'll know. Zoey isn't dead," he continues, explaining while chuckling at her confused look. "She was almost dead when I got her. Close but no cigar. I fed her my blood and when she healed and woke up, I compelled her to forget what happened. She had a great night with Reed and it went great. She just took a wrong turn and realized that it was stupid to go through the woods. She got lost, but everything's fine and to get home."

She glances down, says quietly. "You didn't have to do that."

Billy shrugs, "It was either that or I become really, really selfish and kill her myself. I'm trying this new thing called bloodlust related impulse control."

"So," Victoria sighs, with a shake of her head, "it was either compel her or drain her dry."

"Yes. If it makes you feel better, Nick stayed with you until sunset while I dealt with Zoey. Even in wolf mode, your brother hates me. He was reluctant to go and may have threatened to rip my face off if I didn't take care of you," Billy mused, with a laugh. He scoops her up when he stands up and Victoria lets her arms fall naturally around his neck. He presses a kiss to her mouth. "And I may sorta kinda love you."

"Glad you say that," Victoria replies, with a small smile as the cold flushes her cheeks. "There's a possibility I may love you too."

She can fight, and protest but Victoria is just so damn tired.

As Billy runs through the woods and the world melts into a blur, Victoria rests against even though the wolf claws and howls impatiently for release.

 _Not today,_ Victoria thinks. _Not today._

::

Reed's in the middle of adolescent things he won't tell her.

Johnny's in preschool and Katherine is on a play date.

The hot shower she takes is amazing, and the steam against her skin also feels like a rejuvenation, a reawakening. Victoria tightens her bathrobe while Billy makes tea for her downstairs. She wipes the opaque surface of her mirror to get a look at her face. Flashes of blood in the snow stay with her and etched into the crevices of Victoria's brain.

She sighs, rubbing a knot in her neck and breathes deeply to push the pressure behind her eyes away. Reaching for the hair tie that keep her tresses under control in a bun, she sets her hair free and shakes it. Her hair collects and rests on one shoulder. Eyes look back at her in the mirror but they aren't hers. They're the colour of blue lightning. It lasts a few seconds before they are their natural shade of blue, reminding her of a calm sea after a storm. Victoria glances at her palms and is grateful she sees manicured nails instead. She'd rather have her metaphorical claws than real ones.

::

"Chamomile for you," Billy says, handing her a mug while nursing a tumbler, "and good old O positive for me. Cheers."

"Cheers."

She blows over the top, while Billy sits on the arm of her single chair. The grey sweater, her hair tied into a ponytail, blue skinny jeans with her makeup done light is fine now. Maybe a blazer and heeled shoes when heading to the office later.

Victoria watches him take in a slow mouthful of blood and savours it.

"Mmm. Smooth. Thank you for keeping my stash in the basement, by the way."

"How are the kids?"

Victoria wants to talk about and think of her children, all three not quite at the age when things get complicated. Not like them. Billy sets his tumbler of blood on the table and smiles.

"You ready for this?"

"What exactly do I have to ready for?" Victoria asks, tentatively. She imagines Johnny wearing his underwear on his head, Katie pulling out all the pots and pans to bang on them while sitting on the kitchen floor. She may have to be ready for Reed to lose his virginity if he doesn't already. Victoria should be ready to live with almost killing a girl she doesn't like but _innocent._ She also has to be ready to live with the alarming truth and there's an undertone of enjoyment nestled inside of her. She glares, sipping her tea and taps a nail against the yellow mug. "You didn't let him attempt to make dinner again, did you?"

"Nah," he says, and waves a dismissive hand. "Breakfast, specifically waffles."

"Billy!"

"I kid. I kid…"

She hides an amused smile behind another sip of tea. "Not really."

"However," Billy smiles proudly and Victoria likes the slight sharpness of it, "I'm happy to report that Katie's fangs came in. They're small but I kind of suspected since she's going through this weird biting phase. Johnny has Reed's wolfsbane allergy. It sucks that he was sick and irritated last night," he assures her instantly when he sees her worried face, "but he's fine now. He's young. He'll adjust. Just like his mama."

"And Reed?"

"Killed it at The Underground. Easily. He gets why you weren't there. If it makes you feel better, he was the only Newman there and not influenced by celestial happenings."

"Good. That's…good."

He furrows his brow and stares at her with concern. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Victoria sets her tea down and plops down on the couch and sighs, "I don't even know what my son is going to be supernaturally oriented towards. Is he going to be alpha that leads the pack when I eventually die just like I will when my father dies? Or, lead JT's coven when he dies someday? Maybe he doesn't want either life. And it's not even anything so intense. Just human stuff. His hobbies. What his hopes and dreams are. What makes him laugh, or what pet peeves Reed has. How am I going to parent when I have no idea?"

He slides next to her, his tumbler next to her tea mug on the coffee table.

"Okay. You're spiraling again."

"No, I'm not!"

He takes her hand and kisses the back of it, making her smile even when she doesn't want to. Billy always does that to her. "Listen to me," he says, seriously. "You are one of the toughest women I know and our kids love you. Reed knows you love him. He's a teenager and it's a guy thing being weird around Mommy but he knows. Whatever he is, he'll still be the great kid you and JT raised. Don't beat yourself up about nearly killing Zoey. It wasn't your fault and she's fine. The fact is we're predators, Victoria, with dark impulses. You can't get rid of shifting on full moons any more than I can control my thirst for blood. We've got the humanity part and understand it, I suppose, but that's as far as it goes because we aren't human. That's the bottom line."

She retrieves her hands from him slowly and looks at him, defiantly.

Just because they're predators, Victoria doesn't believe that's all they have to be.

"We can be other things too, Billy," she argues, defiantly. "We don't have to be killers."

"No," Billy argues just as intensely as her. She remembers why she loves him and thinks sometimes, she could hate him when he drives her crazy. "But sometimes, the darkest parts of you are just a little stronger than you can handle, and other times," he added with a knowing glance, "the darkness just shows up and you welcome it when you realize it's moot fighting. You can't stop instinct, babe. It's okay to lose control. It's healthy."

There's one instinct that tugs at her, magnified and nagging.

Control falls away like sand through an hourglass that will shatter at her feet but Victoria chooses not to care. So, she kisses him, tasting blood and the remnants of rum on her tongue.

If there's anyone Victoria will be uncontrollable with, she's happy to with Billy.

She's happy to let go and caught up in a frenzy of insanity for a moment in time.

::

They aren't thinking of where and when. Victoria isn't. She doesn't know what Billy is thinking or if he is thinking at all, as she cries out because every thrust makes her feel as if he's ripping her open to see the innermost parts of her. She isn't sure to make push him away for it or pull him close and revel in the intense warmth in the center of her abdomen. Victoria digs her claws into Billy's muscled back. He cries out, but it's not painful. Instead, he's lacing her name with swear words and a moan she catches with her mouth with a searing kiss. It could be the carpeted friction of the living room or all five of her senses heightened. Maybe a mixture of both, but Victoria is delirious.

He gazes for a brief moment, looking down at her and his red irises pierce her. Billy runs a hand through her wild hair and she likes the roughness of his stubble against her palms.

She's lit up with a fuse now and it's winding down, the explosion near.

Billy kisses her mouth, kisses her throat, finds her collarbone before kissing a spot near the curve of her shoulder. She doesn't want to be clear and sane just yet. She's in the middle of selfishness, pure want, and craving.

"Your eyes," he pulls away, and touches her face like it's smooth glass. "Jesus, they're stunning."

Victoria smirks and pulls him to her.

He kisses her and when Billy finds her shoulder, he sinks his fangs into it. There's pain but more ecstasy and a bliss that pulls her up. It lets Victoria float upward only to drag her back down until she crashes into a snow-covered forest floor with the full moon above her again. He's taking a piece of her until the fuse is near the end.

And then the hissing of the fuse is replaced by the explosion.

Her. Him. Them.

They explode and blow up together, taking everything around them with it.

::

Victoria's resting against Billy's torso, his fingers in her hair. She can sense the lazy grin on his face and it makes her laugh.

"You okay?"

"Why?" Victoria asks, playfully. "Scared you hurt me?"

He laughs, kissing her hair. "I'm only asking to see if you're up for Round Two. Told you sometimes losing control was a good thing."

Victoria pulls herself up to kiss him and smiles against his mouth.

 _Yes. Yes, it is_.


End file.
